Elfaraan's Web Addiction

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

“That customer's going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”

“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.

The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

Teacher: Joey, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Joey: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

Robin came home from her first day commuting into the city. Noticing that Robin was looking a little peaked, she asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," Robin replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," Robin replied, "there was no one there."

- Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

- Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

- Real users never use the Help key.

- Real users never stop asking new options.

- Real users never know what to do with new options.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.

He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, 'It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'

Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, 'What do you have in it?'

He says, 'Soup, and ice cream!'

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Britney Spears & Eminem - Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

Dr. Phil McGraw - Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

America's Oil Companies - For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix.

Bill Gates - For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

The Editors of Maxim - For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

Jared - Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

That 300 Pound Guy - Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”

One day theres a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class “stand up if u think you’re stupid!” after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says “do you think you’re stupid Johnny?”

To which Little Johnny replies “No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!”

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

..They took a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
..They sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..They thought a quarterback was a refund.
..They tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..They thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..They thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..They thought General Motors was in the Army.
..They thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..They thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..Under "education" on their job application, they put "Hooked On Phonics."
..They tripped over a cordless phone.
..They spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

..They told me to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", they put "Sagittarius."
..They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..They studied for a blood test.
..They thought they needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..They sold the car for gas money!
..when they missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when they went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," they turned around and went home.
..when they heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, they moved.
..They think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if they spoke her mind, they'd be speechless.
..They thought that they could not use their AM radio in the evening.
..They had a shirt that said "TGIF," which they thought stood for: This Goes In Front.

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?

Get in the boat!